Alone

"I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone." -Audrey Hepburn

Ssshhhh.......

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Do you hear that?

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Silence. Or more than that..... It's stillness. A weight off my shoulders. For the first time in a very long time, so long that I can't remember the last time this happened because it's been years. At least 2 years or more that I have been completely alone in my home. My husband is not legally allowed to operate a motor vehicle according to the fine state of Georgia. He's a trouble maker, that one.

You may be wondering why being alone in my home is such a huge deal. But you've probably been alone in your home a few times over the last year or two. I've been alone in the kitchen before and alone while my kids slept upstairs during an afternoon nap before they stopped taking them, alone in the cramped laundry room or occasionally (on a good day) alone in the bathroom. T be totally alone in your own home though.. Oh my god..... it's so peaceful and so unappreciated. There are no children screaming or asking a million questions, no one needing my attention. I'm not on high alert, listening and waiting for someone to wake up or get hurt or need a drink. I'm alone in the stillness, in the silence.

It's a cool, breezy spring day, the windows are open and I can hear cars driving on the main road just outside my neighborhood. I forgot there were even cars out there!!! Cars that you can hear. Oh my god! I even hear a plane flying over my house. I could pee with the door open, I could lay down on the couch and not move or strip off all my clothes and run up and down the stairs. Except I won't do that because when you get to a certain age and you've had children, you need a lot of support when you run. Instead, I think I'll just stand here and drink my passionfruit orange herbal tea from my Christmas mug and just be............

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They were gone for about 20 minutes. They came in shouting at me about how much they missed me. I missed them too. We all have bad days but we forget that. I think we're too hard on ourselves when we have a bad day or ask for a minute alone in the silence. When we complain about what we have or don't have or those we love driving us fucking crazy, it doesn't mean we don't appreciate them, it doesn't take away our love. We're allowed to get frustrated, angry, sad, we're allowed to ask for alone time and we're allowed to enjoy every second of that alone time so that we can refresh and recharge and greet those little people with open arms and smiles. When they return we can tell them with 100% honesty that we missed them while they were gone but that we enjoyed the hell out of those 20 minutes of peace and quiet.

I think sometimes we're too hard on other people but most of the time we're pretty horrible to ourselves. A marriage counselor once told me that I am too hard on my husband. Did I mention he's a trouble maker? Oh my. The things that guy has put me through. Maybe I am hard on him sometimes.  I see so much good in him that I want to grab his shoulders and shake it out of him until it's right in front of him and he can see it too. He's made mistakes. Maybe a few more than some of us and definitely a lot less than some of us like Charles Manson. Man, that guy, really screwed up one too many times, am I right? My grandmother told me that Manson was filled with evil up to his eyeballs. My husband isn't evil. He did mess up though, and pretty badly.

My husband got his first DUI a few months after our wedding. He was in a band and he went downtown to play a show. I worked that day and I had to work the next day so I went to bed early like the elderly lady that I've always been, after indulging in some night cheese. I woke up around 3am to a lonely left side of the bed. I checked my phone and noticed 8 missed calls from an unknown number. Trying not to panic, I tried to call my husband's cell phone, in the back of my mind knowing that he wouldn't answer and he didn't. Not knowing what to do I called one of his friends, the only friend who's phone number I actually had. to The friend told me that my husband had been arrested for DUI on his way home earlier. I called out of work and instead of taking one of those "sick" days where you lay on the couch and binge watch reality tv and Dr. Phil, I spent the day bailing him out.

Over the next 3 years he lost his license, went to jail again for driving on a suspended license. I bailed him out again. He finished all of his community service, probation, DUI related classes, he went to MADD meetings and then was allowed to have his license back.

We had a baby during this time and two years later we're preparing to celebrate her 2nd birthday with a party at our house. He was juggling a full time job, a wife and parenting a toddler all while playing in a heavy metal band full time. His band-mate's birthday was the Thursday before our daughter's birthday party. My husband made a deal with me that he would take Friday off work to help me clean and decorate for the party if he could play the show Thursday night while I was home making birthday banners and party favors. I reluctantly agreed against my gut telling me to say no.

Thursday night I put our daughter to bed and stayed up late making decorations and favors. I went to bed around midnight and decided to give him a call and check in with him since I assumed he would be on his way home at the time. He didn't answer. I made excuses, "He didn't feel it vibrate in his pocket, he couldn't get to it in time, he has the radio turned up and didn't hear it ring." I called again, still no answer. I called again. And again. Again. Again. Again. Over and over with increasing urgency. I think I called 37 times over a 45 minute period until I got an answer.

"Hello?"

"Um...... hi..... um... I'm looking for my husband, this is his phone."

"Oh! Hi! I'm officer Smith from the County Sheriff's Office......"

I lost it. I cried so hard and so loud. I sobbed in a stranger's ear until he realized what I thought was happening, in my mind I saw my husband's truck in a ditch with his dead body inside it. I am the worst case scenario person and my father is a fireman who often reminded throughout my youth that I am not invincible, especially behind the wheel of a car. I know how often this happens. How often tragedy is reality.

"Oh! No, no, no, no! He's ok, he's fine BUT I am going to have to arrest him for DUI."

"I'm gonna kill him."

I didn't kill him but I also didn't bail him out that time. He spent the entire day in jail on Friday and I got everything ready for our daughter's 2nd birthday party alone. His dad bailed him out and he came home looking like a sad little dog with his tail between his legs.

Since this was his 2nd DUI in 5 years, he lost his license for 3 years and had to go through all the classes and probation and hours of community service all over again. He deserved it. He deserved every single minute of the community service. Every hour of listening to people share their stories in MADD meetings.

It's been 3 years and I've had to drive him everywhere. I take him to work and at 5:00pm I pick him up. I spent every single weekend taking him to do community service with our daughter tagging along, I was pregnant with our son and sometimes it was 100 degrees outside, sometimes it rained and we would wait in the car for hours for him to finish because we didn't know how long they would let him stay. I was angry and resentful, filled to my eyeballs with it. I  felt like I was being punished for something I didn't do. I didn't drink and drive but I still had to go to community service every weekend. I drove myself home from the hospital after I had our son  because it was illegal for my husband to drive me. He couldn't take the kids to the park for a few hours on a Saturday morning so I  could catch up on housework or just get a few hours of quiet to read a book and relax. My house and I never have time to be alone and enjoy each other so I take what I can get now. Sometimes I shoo all three of them out to check the mail so I can have 90 seconds alone. Sometimes I run to the store and when I get back I sit in my car in the garage for a few extra minutes. Most of my alone time now has to happen outside the home. I have to leave them home while I go out into the world for alone time with the rest of the world.

I'm an introvert, I've spent a lot of time alone from childhood up until I became a mother of 2 and a chauffeur to one husband. I appreciate my alone time. I NEED my alone time. But between our kids and driving my trouble-making husband all over town, I don't get enough of it anymore and it makes me crazy. I appreciate every single thing I have in my life. I love my husband, he's a good guy and he works hard to support our family. I adore my children. But sometimes Momma needs 20 minutes of alone time in the peace and quiet of her own home so she can hear herself breath. So she can hear herself think.

Don't drink and drive. Don't do that to yourself. Don't do it to the other people sharing the road with you. Don't do it to the people you love. Maybe you won't get into an accident and hurt anyone, maybe you will and then you have to live with that. Maybe you will get pulled over and get a DUI and then have to go home to your wife who will be really hard on you and remind you every chance she gets that you stole her freedom because you're a troublemaker but that she loves you anyway because living beside someone even when they screw up is what marriage is all about. Just don't do that shit again and for the love of god, get your license back and get out of my house for an hour or two.