Recently, my son was invited to a party by one of his school friends, a boy we will refer to as Charlie in order to protect his identity and to keep anyone from ever tracing any future crimes he might commit back to my unintentional influence. Charlie is turning 5 and having this super fun party and he has these great parents who put a lot of effort and time into this incredible party. We go out shopping maybe a day or two before this party for other things and stop by the Dollar Tree.
As I am sauntering down the aisles filled with all the treasures 4 shiny quarters will buy, a book on one of the shelves catches my eye. It looks like a hard cover children's picture book, a rare find at the Dollar store. As I reach for it, I notice the name of the author printed down the spine of the book is Bruce Springsteen. Say what?! A children's picture book by Bruce Springsteen for $1?! On the cover was a picture of a cute little baby named "Outlaw Pete." A cute book about a bad little baby reminded me of one of Jack's favorite movies at the moment, Boss Baby. I grabbed two of those babies and tossed them in my cart, one for Jack and one for little Charlie.
We had a busy week and never had a chance to read our copy of Outlaw Pete. On Monday night, I received an email from little Charlie's mom saying that "Jack was such an awesome kid, so kind, so fun, yada yada yada..." I mean, he is pretty great though. She goes on to thank us for the Lego set and the slime kit but when she gets to the book she suspiciously asks "was the book meant for Charlie or was it your book that was accidentally put in the bag?"
My first thought was, "No freakin way! Did someone write in the book? Is that why it was at the Dollar store? I knew it was too good to be true."
Then I thought... "That's a really weird thing to ask someone." So I sent Ryan up to grab our unread copy of Outlaw Pete. I watched in horror as his face grew more and more red and his chest heaved with awkward silent laughter as he read the book.
Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I began to panic, "Oh my god. What does it say? What's wrong with it?"
He smirked as he handed it to me and told me to read it for myself.
The book started off ok. A cute little baby robs a bank, gets arrested and then eventually breaks out of prison and goes on the lamb. Not so bad, right? I thought the baby would eventually wake up from a dream, or his mother would call him inside and shake him out of his daydream.
No such luck. The baby grows into a man while living his life on the run from Johnny Law. He meets a Navajo girl and decides to settle down and start a family. Turn a new leaf, if you will. Not so fast Outlaw Pete! You don't just get to rob banks, leave a body count in your wake and live a life on the run and just decide that one day you're above all that nonsense. Oh no, that is not how life works mister! There's this little thing called Karma that always finds you.
One day, New Leaf Pete is fishing down by the river when Bounty Hunter Dan rides up on him with his gun out and orders to capture Pete. This is when the real gem of the story occurs. Pete pulls his knife out and whips it through the air like it's some kind of ninja star and it lands right in the center of Dan's chest. Direct hit straight to the heart. In case I didn't accurately paint that picture for you, here's the actual illustration for the book:
Just in case you didn't get a good look from that illustration, they give you a close up on the next page:
After Dan lays dying in a pool of his own blood, a sly grin of defeat across his face, Pete mounts his horse and takes off.
Outlaw Pete rides until he realizes there just isn't a way to outrun Karma. Everyone must eventually atone for their sins. As he rests on horseback atop a snowy mountain, he contemplates life and all his dirty deeds. Pete realizes the only way out is to jump, and so he rides his horse over the icy cliff to his death in the valley below.
Murder, suicide, bank robbing babies, a man dying in a pool of his own blood..... What more could you ask for in a children's book?
I emailed little Charlie's mom back.
"Oh.my.god!!!!!!!! I am so sorry, What kind of book did I buy for your child? I take full responsibility if he knifes anyone at school tomorrow or steals anyone's juice box."
There is a moral to this story. Buy kids candy, legos, slime, anything except a book! At the very least, maybe read the book first. I would tell you not to buy books from the Dollar Store but I went back after this incident and found another book that might be even more exciting than Outlaw Pete. I bought one for myself and one to gift to someone special. Who wants to be that special someone?
No such luck. The baby grows into a man while living his life on the run from Johnny Law. He meets a Navajo girl and decides to settle down and start a family. Turn a new leaf, if you will. Not so fast Outlaw Pete! You don't just get to rob banks, leave a body count in your wake and live a life on the run and just decide that one day you're above all that nonsense. Oh no, that is not how life works mister! There's this little thing called Karma that always finds you.
One day, New Leaf Pete is fishing down by the river when Bounty Hunter Dan rides up on him with his gun out and orders to capture Pete. This is when the real gem of the story occurs. Pete pulls his knife out and whips it through the air like it's some kind of ninja star and it lands right in the center of Dan's chest. Direct hit straight to the heart. In case I didn't accurately paint that picture for you, here's the actual illustration for the book:
Just in case you didn't get a good look from that illustration, they give you a close up on the next page:
After Dan lays dying in a pool of his own blood, a sly grin of defeat across his face, Pete mounts his horse and takes off.
Outlaw Pete rides until he realizes there just isn't a way to outrun Karma. Everyone must eventually atone for their sins. As he rests on horseback atop a snowy mountain, he contemplates life and all his dirty deeds. Pete realizes the only way out is to jump, and so he rides his horse over the icy cliff to his death in the valley below.
Murder, suicide, bank robbing babies, a man dying in a pool of his own blood..... What more could you ask for in a children's book?
I emailed little Charlie's mom back.
"Oh.my.god!!!!!!!! I am so sorry, What kind of book did I buy for your child? I take full responsibility if he knifes anyone at school tomorrow or steals anyone's juice box."
There is a moral to this story. Buy kids candy, legos, slime, anything except a book! At the very least, maybe read the book first. I would tell you not to buy books from the Dollar Store but I went back after this incident and found another book that might be even more exciting than Outlaw Pete. I bought one for myself and one to gift to someone special. Who wants to be that special someone?
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